Monday, 14 October 2013

Do i blame me or do i blame God???

At this point in my life i'm struggling with church and all that goes with it. You see when i was homeless and rootless i was capable of maintaining my relationship with God, now that i'm settled i struggle with it all. I'm more than happily married to a wonderful woman who really makes my life complete, and i struggle with the grace that has been shown to me. You see i'm fairly self deprecating and i realise that i'm the luckiest SOB on the planet. But what do i do with the fact i'm struggling with what i call my faith, you see i'm not distant from God because of him but i'm missing something from what i class as my Christian life. God never moved from me i guess in all honesty i have just got bored with Church, the whole process and structure has bored me rigid, is that because of me or my denomination? over the past few months i have so desperately wanted to leave Methodism in the dust, because to me the whole broad church thing does not work, but a few ministers who i trust have told me i'm needed, which is nice but it's not enough for me at this point in time. The churches i minister in are wonderful and appreciate my honesty in the pulpit, and tell me so. But i'm struggling like a boat without an anchor in a storm, i'm just not feeling it anymore. My prayers have not gone unanswered and they are being answered regularly with God proving himself time and again. People are being blessed because of my faith and that means something. But i'm just struggling to put it all together, my heart tells me that those people around me who have helped me ( Pam Richardson, The Noronahas, Bob Hyde, Tom Osbourne, Mark and Sharon Gilborson, Pete Pillinger and Anna Flavell) deserve me to make a fist of this and complete the work God has given me to do, but can i be bothered?. You see Church has never been important to me, when i was homeless i maintained my faith by witnessing to the glory of God even tho i was living on the streets. And that is where my problem probably lays you see i have always been fairly independent as a person and as a Christian that is not a good thing because like it or not i have to rely on God. But when i had no ties i was able to do what i felt God wanted without fear of the church people having a go at me about what i did because i just did not care what people thought ( yep i'm bad) now i have to be sensible and tow the line to a certain degree and that hacks me off big time. You see one of my problems with church and it's structure is that certain things are expected, but for me i have no real desire to follow the norm, i'm not that sort of person. I sing in a kicking Rock n Roll band (ask Tom Osbourne) and i do not fit what society thinks a Christian should be. You see i'm getting fed up with the claptrap that makes up church and stops people coming to faith, reality is what matters, not some structure that is actually going to push people away from God. Where i am at present is waiting for the right time to probably walk away, sit at the back of church on Sunday and let the good folk whom i love get on with it and just do my own thing as the people i deal with don't want to know about CPD or CHURCH councils, what they want is a reality in faith, something that connects with them and makes some form of sense not just a religious idea that alienates. My biker friends, my inked friends, my muso friends mean the world to me, they help me, they show me and need me. It may come to the fact i walk away from Church but  i will never walk away from God no matter how stupid it seems or how hard it becomes, church is part of it but i have always been a follower of JESUS first and foremost and a church goer second. This will probably upset some people and for that i guess i have to say sorry, but i have to follow my heart and that is a different matter. Years ago Bob Hyde sat with me when my life was falling apart, he listened and loved, in those moments he taught me so much about Jesus, not church, not structure, but about faith and that is where i am. 90% of my time is spent with non christians and i love it, and i have a good example in my best friend and saviour JESUS.


  1. To be a Christian is to be a part of the Church - Jesus calls us to be his body, his physical presence in the world. And being part of his body makes you part of the Church. Of course, how you relate to being the Church is different for different people - some people like to be in amongst the structures, the protocols and the processes, others need to be at arms length- tuned into what's going on, but not necessarily tied into it in the same way. I can't solve your dilemma for you (though you know I like having you in the same denomination as me, for the very fact you're honest about things, and because you spend your time around people and loving people who aren't part of the Church), but I will say that whichever way you go, you need to have ways of grounding yourself in the full Body (even with it's annoying rules and regulations) as well as having freedom to "Ramble On" - if that strange, incomprehensible mystery that is the Trinity teaches us anything, it is that to become as Christ is to be in Community both with God and one another. Remember - wherever you go as a Christian you go as the Church in that place, for you go as the Body of Christ, and in order to do that well you need to be in touch, somehow, with the rest of the Body - though the how still leaves plenty of options!! Prayers as ever, my friend!

    Oh, and I can confirm the band most definitely rocks! :-)

  2. thanks for the comment Tom and more importantly the Zeppelin reference (that means a lot)

  3. And yes i know i need to belong, but i'm feeling more like a square peg in a triangular world

  4. I feel for you, it is a hard place to be but i think a place where a number of people find themself. I after many years found that i had to step back from church for a bit because it was hindering me from knowing God more. All the church paraphanalia takes over and churchy stuff takes up time and thought. I never gave up the church, but emotionally i turned away for a time so i could get closer to the Father. Perhaps the time has come to have a look round at some of the other free churches, that are anything but boring. Not just because they are lively, bible-based, spirit filled churches, but because they are out there on the street. A church that will help you and back your ministry to the bikers, homeless, etc. A church where you see people go out and see things happening. People healed, drug addicts set free, lives changed. There is nothing wrong with church, but perhaps your disquiet is because you are not in the right place for you at this moment and God is calling you on. I pray you hear his calling clearly.
    Jenny <><

  5. Andy, I've spent the last 45 minutes reading this and trying to put into words my feelings on it, (and you know how often I go to church) but, this is what I have come up with.

    The Kingdom of Heaven is within the heart of every man, woman and child because Jesus died for our sin.

    You are a GOOD Christian, I grew up in South Africa, as you know, and while there, I met some pretty bad ones.

    While I worked for the US Army, I had the privilege and honour of being invited to a Gospel meeting (being the only one with a fair complexion) did cause a bit of a stir, but I was welcomed and was stunned by the spirit within the church.

    God has not forgotten you, nor has he taken his eye off of you. I believe that he will make his presence known to you when he is ready for you to see it.

    Don't lose your faith in the divine brother, as the Divine has not lost faith in you.

    Hope my simpleton words assist in a small way.

  6. Ian thats well put and not at all simple brother. Thanks a lot i'm humbled that you and others take time to read my insane thoughts. On another subject we need to organise doing my bars again, but do that on my wall lol